Spawn

As a nanny I have come to realize that mothers can play the role of nanny, house cleaner, garbage man, handyman, and even therapist.  I would do the math to see how much money moms are not getting paid for all the tasks they perform, but that would require effort and effort is just not my style.  Currently I get paid to watch children, so they get a sugar coated version of Julia. However, if I am going to have to be crapped on, cried at, and have to fish random objects out of child's mouth, and NOT be paid for it, I feel as though I would be entitled to act as bitter as I want.

My child raising philosophy is quiet simple; it consists of condescending sarcasm. For example, take the task of diaper changing. When you unfold that bad boy, feel free to say in your most upbeat voice: "Is this gift for me? I thought cleaning up my own shit was fun, but woweee wiping your butt is a true delight! I saw you working on that thing for about 5 minutes, I am sure glad I have a child that uses their brain power and focus for good things. I think its lovely that a 30 pound kid and poop out 40! We should just put this beautiful shit up on this mantle piece!"

If my book on raising children doesn't take off I have the old standbys to make me money: Have juicy enough baby daddy drama, or children with dysfunctional enough personalities, or pop out a large enough litter of kids to get a show on MTV.  After all isn't that just the American dream.